Conclusion

Most of the postings on this blog have been pieces I've written for an autobiography.  This is the Conclusion for Stories I Tell Myself.  They're not in order in the blog and that's something I will be doing, but for now they're a pile of pieces and in the pile is an autobiography with this Conclusion.  

It’s been a good life. It could have been better. Better if I had not been an alcoholic or stopped drinking sooner. Better if I hadn’t had mood swings sometimes becoming manic. Better if I had learned life’s lessons sooner or easier. Better if I had learned to own up, face the music and apologize. But if I had been better, I wouldn’t have my sons and a daughter. If I had been better I wouldn’t be a veteran. I wouldn’t be a Bruin. I wouldn’t have worked with the people I did at various banks and banking coalitions. I wouldn’t have been a Ranger. I wouldn’t have worked at Juvenile Hall. I wouldn’t be here in Oakland in 2023. I wouldn’t be me.

At my high school reunion I sat next to a classmate who had become a pediatrician, moved to a small town in the wine country, practiced medicine there over 30 years now, raised a family and is still in the same town. He said he envied the variety of my life. I envied the stability of his. I’m sure neither one of us would change it. We are who we are, but it would have been interesting.

Life happens to us, one can prepare for it, but things never turn out the way we expect. For me I certainly don’t think the rational and cautious life is preferred. I envy stable people, but I wouldn’t want to be one. I call myself a tourist, wide eyed and slacked mouthed I’m always looking to the turn in the road. The biggest regrets I have are the people I hurt like a bull in a China shop I was insensitive to the harm I did to people around me. I wish I could have been more thoughtful, reliable, appreciative.

I describe myself as a schlepper. I admire people of great accomplishments, talents, saintliness. I envy fame, prestige and money. I wish I had money, I like money, but I never thought it was worth working for. I was never going to become rich, it just wasn’t worth the effort.

I’ve been fortunate to have incredible friends, people who were more talented and smarter than I am, people of achievement and better at relationships. When I feel down I judge myself by my friends and it helps. I must be OK in my own way, I have great friends.

Looking back on my life, the gifts were many. Going to a monastery at 17 was a really a dumb thing to do and a great experience. Being a Central Office Equipment Repairman for Pacific Telephone and Telegraph was a wonderful job and a good first experience in adult work. I went to college and wrote some good short stories and fell in love with Cathy Bruemmer.

I joined the Air Force to avoid the draft. I didn’t admit to anyone it was a bit of a John Wayne complex, hero in a uniform but by age 20 I had enough sense not to volunteer for combat duty. And then the Air Force sent me to England for three years. I had no say in it. It was just the way the numbers fell, the bureaucratic machine. Cathy and I had two sons in England. I was promoted to Staff Sergeant. I was accepted at UCLA and finished a degree there. Cathy gifted me unexpectedly with a third son.

I got to become a mountaineer. We climbed Mount San Gregornio in the winter of March and Mt. San Jacinto up the North Face in April, one of the hardest climbs in the Lower 48. And then we climbed the North Face of Mount Rainier. After I got sober I climbed Mt. Baker on a guided climb and soloed Mount Whitney, the easy route which was hard enough and cross country skied up to Keersarge Pass in winter.

If I have a talent, it’s being a parent, a mentor. My sons are men I enjoy and admire. My daughter is incredible. As a parent I try to help them in becoming who they are. From my mother and my Catholic education I have always been a volunteer, with students in college and the United Farm Workers in the Grape Strike, working with schizophrenics and mentally ill to enjoy life. In sobriety, I've mentored young men in becoming sober and sponsored friends and through the First Graduate Program in LA and the Bay Area mentored junior high students into adulthood and I've been a Sunday School teacher. For the last 9 years I’ve been a volunteer teacher’s aid at an elementary school. I’ve had a hand in helping good people do well in life.

After college I found a job for more money than I expected and was employed for 40 years, earning a paycheck usually larger than I expected until I retired. And now I have more money in my pocket than I ever expected in retirement.

I got sober, later than I should have but early enough to have a long life in which I’ve been present and a lot more responsible than I ever had hopes of being.

I moved up to the Bay Area, got to work in Juvenile Hall, met Suzette and we were surprised by the coming of the amazing Paloma, now Adam. I finally learned to speak Spanish and had friends in Mexico and got to travel there extensively. I’ve been to Paris, Ireland, Spain and South Africa.

I went to a police academy at 57 and graduated and got to be a Park Ranger for seven years and live in Parks most of that time. I was part of a team that saved lives. I was a cop and got to be a trusted member of an order of incredibly courageous and dedicated men and women.

It has been an interesting life. I’ve done more good than harm. I have wonderful children, grandchildren and friends. My life doesn’t feel as much a result of effort and resolve as it was good fortune. My world is full of grace and I have been its beneficiary. It’s good enough and I’m grateful.